I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. . July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. lets_be_honest A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. It struck me the wrong way, too. Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. I think she may have deactivated. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? haha. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Ask Erin: I'm Exhausted By My Daughter's Depression | Ravishly Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. lets_be_honest My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? . Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. Yes. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. Mommy and daddy present a united front. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. 23 Signs Your Partner Is Mentally Abusive - Bustle July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. going to museums? Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. I was like 7.) I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! lemongrass This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. Usually sharks.). Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Um, no. findingtheearth Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? LW, you and your husband are a team. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Absolutely Dad! How can I tell my husband he's a terrible driver? If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Youre right, though. bittergaymark But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. painted_lady THIS. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! painted_lady Thanks temp! How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. I cried myself to sleep. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. Aaaaah! Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Jordan was my fave back in the day. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. Then ice cream after. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. Are you on Tumblr? Your email address will not be published. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Asking. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. 6napkinburger TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. lets_be_honest So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. Find a common ground youve got to. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. HA! I was/am (?) bittergaymark And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. 6napkinburger But it was annoying. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. They loved it, I hated it. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. Really so good and so true! And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. You just have to learn to ignore that. Well done, as always, my friend. Hes putting her down. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. Nope, not from Scranton. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. . Amazing job today! Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. PostedOctober 22, 2014 This mother needs to chill out a bit. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. lets_be_honest You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). How dare she share her own interests. I camped. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. temperance Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. Great suggestion! (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Awesome show full of information. Liquid Luck But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. Why are we judging other peoples interests? How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. My dad would also try to do things we liked. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. We were so thrilled. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. He is dedicated and hard-working. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. WOW! Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. 1. He also occasionally went to movies with us. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. It cant be. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. I thought that was actually really funny. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It - Scary Mommy The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. But it isnt you guys against him. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. He came home four hours later. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. To care for our two young kids. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Maybe not, though. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. Ask Fiona: My husband is driving our kids away, my friend has an He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. 11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. Skyblossom lets_be_honest Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Spyglassez I hated, and still do, all of those things. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. Your email address will not be published. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? . But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! (I threw it all up and cried. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out.