interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. "Yes, the weekend always . Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. Read also. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. I hear you. Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. I guess I run with a very specific social crowd and it hasnt occurred to me in a while that its not always doable to say Im going to do CRAFTS ALONE, its going to be awesome. But I used to be in a grad program where people were super competitive, and if I said oh my god Im going to stay in this weekend, Im so peopled-out people would be lowkey mean about how I wasnt networking/studying/running charity marathons enough. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. Ugh. They know this. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. That, or non-questions. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. Question. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). Im not talking about not dealing with this. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". Trying to build a house. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. 2. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. 4. #2 is a good point. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. Is it OK to invite the usual people? You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. Updog. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Nothing much. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. You're very welcome. I dont understand the point of the question. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. (Seriously? Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. ! OH ME TOO. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. So yeah, I feel that part too. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. I'm going to say this to my parents. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. Are you busy? 3. Like oh youd rather do nothing at all than do this activity with me, wow., I wish I had better boundaries around that. So when you talk about watching her leisure time and knowing how she spends it all, I hear a situation that would be psychologically unhealthy for a teenager, let alone someone in their mid-twenties. No way. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. Nothing very interesting. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Shes moving and needs a van? So if you say Im probably going to that new movie, they dont ask and youre not put on the spot. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you. Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. Jana: I'm good. My current boss is a total jerk. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? If you're taking a vacation and staying home, your clients or coworkers may still expect you to pop into the office and answer their emails. what about this would a person take personally???? Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. Me: Working. Thats not an uncommon experience. Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! Maybe if the stress was a bit different? (Like the How are you? inquiries) I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. This is how I feel too. Is it just me? Its just one of the normal options. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. That would create some damage. Try to be kind and positive in your response. Are you busy? No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. Eating. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. Be polite. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Shampooing the grass. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. But I dont want to? Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." . This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Id also add that when youve lived in a place for years and are planning to stay, like I am in my husbands home country, it gets very tiring to have everyone assume youre just visiting or that youre an international student and will be gone soon. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. Im well aware of that risk. because sometimes we have plans that cant change. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. I dont know? If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. The professor went to the restroom. Just wow. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. After answering you always ask the other person in return how they are, and they respond in kind. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. It is one of my pet peeves. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. Why does it need taking care of?? What are the usual scripts? Interesting. But no one argues against working! I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. Why? I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. You obviously dont have to do things any differently than you are, BUT if this conversation is frustrating and/or awkward, you may find that it goes more smoothly if you offer something up. If that's not a good enough answer for them, walk away, because there's nothing more you can say. Try these instead. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. Riding an elephant. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Because shes a family member. W- Work free. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! 21. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. - Casey Stengel 3. that sounds fun! Ex.1. Can you do me a favor? What are you planning? and nowadays I find that a great answer. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. 8. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. That is AMAZING and I love Gladys (and you) and that is going directly into my repertoire for Dealing With Those Extroverts. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. How about you?. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. Its not so much about stopping the question before it comes (pretty much impossible!) And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. But I think its disingenuous? So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Leisure time is notI give up my leisure time to hem her pants or help her move back from college or make her dinner. Im trying to train her out of the habit. Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? How much stuff is there? So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.) 2. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Also, that is very common; very few people I know can really remember everything they are doing for months ahead. Go For a Run: Once again, running will not require spending any money, only your energies. I think part of it, too, is that I have mental health issues and physical issues so sometimes the questions make me feel pressured to have a good weekend. No.. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. Its an opener, like Hot enough for you? Or How about that sportsquad at the sportsmatch? The content of your answer is secondary to the dynamic of conversation. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. Thats my favorite response! The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. Take care of your boundaries! I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) Good luck. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. And I understand many of your points. I Hope You. That's it, nothing extra. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself.
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